You Won’t Change, So I Must Be Doing Something Wrong:
A Quick Look at Codependency
By Debbie Tudor, LPC Supervisor
The Mistaken Beliefs of Codependents:
“If I AM: good enough/nice enough/skinny enough/vigilant enough/accommodating enough/loud enough/upset enough…
“If I say it enough times in enough different ways…
“If I give enough money/withhold enough money, give sex/withhold sex, pout, criticize, get you out of bed in the mornings, do all the irrational things you demand…
THEN YOU WILL BECOME THE PERSON I WANT YOU TO BE.
You will do what I think you need to do to fix your life, our relationship.
You won’t drink/cheat/use drugs/yell/hit/get mad at me.
You will appreciate me.
If I do all of the above and you STILL DON’T become the person I want you to be, then I FEEL LIKE A FAILURE. I FEEL GUILTY.
I keep doing these things because I believe it will make you/others/God pleased with me. You/others/God will admire me for my sacrifice. This is what makes me worthy.
I know exactly what YOU think, feel, and need, and why. I can analyze you endlessly.
I have no idea what I think, feel, or need, or why. And I am uncomfortable when my counselor asks me to be still, listen to myself, journal, dig deeper, try new things that might make me happy, set a boundary with you.
I would much rather figure out what’s wrong with YOU than look at ME.